According to a meme that’s been going around, the Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual neologisms contests, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. Seeing how much you all enjoyed my post on Oxford Dictionaries’ Surprising Word of the Year 2015, I thought you’d also appreciate this!

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you’ve gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulance (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Rectitude (n.), the…